I can't ____ because my kids ___.
How many times per day does this kind of thought run through your head?
I can't go on the same hikes I used to because it would be dangerous with an infant strapped to my chest.
I can't get through one piano piece because my child keeps climbing on me and smacking at the keys.
I can't bake bread because I can't move the hot dutch oven while holding a flailing baby.
I can't work out because dumbbells shouldn't be swung near little noggins.
As a mom of a toddler and baby, I have dealt with real feelings of inability and helplessness over the limitations I experience. At my lowest, I've felt despondent, like my kids run my life, and I've lost all sense of personal agency. Maybe you too? During pity parties like these, it feels like practicing a hobby — art and painting for me — is impossible. How can we cultivate our interests and lead a creative and adventurous life with our small children seemingly always there to sabotage our efforts?
Changing Your Mindset
Like most positive changes, growing in this area starts with some important mindset shifts.
You are the grown-up!
As moms of toddlers and babies who need our hands-on care almost all the time, it can feel like our goals and desires are being steamrolled by our children's presence. But the truth is, even if it feels this way, your children don't have the power to steamroll you. They aren't doing anything to you. They are just existing exactly the way they were meant to exist. The way you feel isn't their fault, and they need you.
They need your love, they need your care, and they also need your leadership. They need your authority.
Remember: you are the grown-up. You set the tone of the household, you set the routines, you set the rules, and you're responsible for following through on those standards. It is a great responsibility, but it's also freeing. You don't have to get carried away by the current. You can direct the current. If we can drag ourselves out of the water and get back in the drivers' seat, we're on our way to getting our agency back as moms.
Adjust Your Expectations
Let's be clear: your babies need you constantly, and they were designed to need you. If you are a parent, your kids are your first responsibility and priority, period. Life isn't going to look the same, because even though we're talking about your hobbies right now, you are in a season where you're very actively looking out for the wellbeing and needs of little people over your own.
But.
As we care for and teach our kids, what we must do we can make investments in teaching our them how to be contributing, interesting, cooperative, companionable household members.
I'm not going to offer you any ideas that will magically make life return to how it was before kids. But what we can do is foster this flame of your ideas, goals, and hobbies, allowing it to grow as your kids do.
Replace "I can't..." with "How can I...?"
Pay attention to your thoughts in the coming weeks. When you find yourself feeling defeated or giving up on a desire or decision, try to reject that feeling of helplessness. (I often say to myself — really — "I'm the grown-up." or "I'm the Mom." Seriously, my kids can push me around so easily!)
The more you exercise your role as the teacher, guide, and authority of your children, the more empowered you'll begin to feel. You'll stop seeing yourself as a pack mule, wet nurse, and chauffeur of your kids, and start to see possibilities you didn't before. This is will open your eyes to opportunities to incorporate your hobbies back into your life.
Invest in Your Kids
For me, during these baby years, it has often seemed like motherhood will always be running from spilled dog food to dirty diaper to boiling-over pot.
But it won't. I wish I could tell myself 2 years ago that today, my 3-year-old would push my 18-month old on the swing while I prep some lunch inside. Or that she would be content to read on her own in her room for up to an hour, sometimes more. Life can still be really chaotic. But I'm already able to see the fruit of the seeds I was planting when she was a baby.
From just 1 year old, you are already beginning to form your kids into their future selves.
Learning how to respect others, wait their turn, look at a book or toy on their own for a few minutes, clean up after themselves. These are all disciplines that require patience, consistency, and long-term vision to teach.
But these investments will start paying off, probably before a year has gone by. If it's not plausible now to find a few minutes to yourself or have any corner of the house where you're free to be creative, what can you do now to begin the process of changing that?
As you look for "HOW" solutions to cultivate your hobbies and interests as a Mom, it will involve the slow and steady investments in teaching your kids. This means actively looking for ways for them to practice helpfulness, cooperation, and independence. They might not be ready now for you to dive into your own activity. But in a year, they might be!
Find Solutions
So, using these mindset shifts and long-term tactics, what are some real, practical solutions to incorporating your hobbies back into your life?
It will be slightly different for everyone, but here are some examples of some possible solutions for a Mom who is in the thick of it:
Ironing out the nap schedule, paying more attention to wake windows and planning errands so that nap time is more predictable
Doing more housekeeping & dinner prep during the day so that in the evenings when your husband is home (assuming you're a SAHM!) you have more time opened up for your own activities
Practicing your hobby with your kids in a simpler form that accommodates their presence (Here's my post about how I started painting every day with my 3-year-old.) This will cultivate their interest, and allow you more flexibility. No more clamoring for that precious naptime.
Try waking up early! I wouldn't advise this if you're waking up multiple times per night with a baby, but in other seasons, this is a great way to get some time to yourself.
Working with your child on any recurring behaviors that derail family activities, like grabbing at objects you are using, deliberately spilling or breaking things, or being physically rough. This will look different depending on their age, and will likely involve both support (like giving them their own activity to focus on) and some kind of consequence, (like having to stop the fun to clean up or go to time out).
Looking Ahead
Things change a lot from season to season as a mom of small kids. On top of all the usual life fluctuations, young children grow very quickly. Their needs, interests, strengths and challenges are always developing.
Right now, I'm able to have a daily art practice either alone, or with my 3-year-old — and occasionally, with both of my kids present. How long can I carry on this way? What about if I have another baby, if my husband has a season of long hours at work, or if my next toddler isn't interested in painting with me?
These kinds of thoughts used to stress me out, and still do sometimes. But I know I'll be able to look at all the factors, take a long-view approach, and figure out a "how."
Comentarios